I wanna go to priiiideee . . . | . . .
—
Content Warning: Mention of arophobia, transphobia, sexual assault (not actually occurring), queer predators stereotype, bad parent(s)
—
To be honest,,, I haven't really gone to pride ever. I've gone to queer youth groups before, and that was nice. The closest to pride I've gone to has been a trans fair, and that was awesome, like truly it was amazing, but it was also years ago.
Situations have never been ideal to go. I was closeted before (I had to go to that trans fair secretly), and now asking is kinda scary. My parent is queerphobic, and while I think she might agree to take me, it'd be kinda embarrasing?
Like I don't want to be stuck in a car with you while you try to bond with me about my queerness while tiptoeing around the fact that I am queer. Don't try to bond with me about my transness while misgendering me. Don't try to bond with me about my orientation when you think aromantic people are inherently lonely.
And I also don't need you implying that there are gonna be predators at pride when I ask you to take me, and I'm too loyal-blind to my community to see that, but I gotta watch out, and you're not being homophobic or anything and that's just how everybody/everywhere is. Just because you're scared of people doesn't mean you get to make it my problem.
Speaking of, going by myself is difficult as well 'cus she'll often say some variation of that whenever I go outside by myself. Which is really frustrating!! Not just pride, I can't go ANYWHERE without it being a big deal! Not even to the front/back yard. Not if she can hear me. Girl just because YOU think people will get hurt if they step outside at all doesn't mean you get to make it your kids' problems ahqnaihaqk.
Anyway. I don't want to hear that stuff, or talk to her at all, so that can discourage me from going outside. But also...! I'm depressed...! So it can be difficult getting the motivation/energy to go outside by myself at all! Made more difficult by what my mum does when I go outside, 'cus now I gotta get enough energy to go outside AND deal with that!
Plus I got anxiety so going outside is scary a bit... It's gotten a lot better since I actually have gone outside despite my mum's wishes. But like, thanks for nothing mami for making my anxiety worse by saying that stuff to me. Now I got intrusive thoughts about people sexually assaulting me and/or mudering me 'cus that's what YOU always say will happen. Damn.
Thank god I am always telling myself that people aren't secretly dangerous and are kind more often than I'd think. And that I've reinforced this by actually going outside and seeing for myself that things aren't like that.
So it's hard to go outdoors by myself. I remember there was this trans pride thing happening in september where I live in the u.s., and I wanted to go. There was nothing really stopping me from going. I had no obligations. But I couldn't.
I felt scared to go outside (consequences of not going outside for a looong time at that point), and I couldn't muster up enough energy to try. I didn't really want to move. I didn't go. I had been waiting for a year, ever since I missed the last one. It's not like I forgot about it or anything this time (which I am prone to do). I thought about it the whole time. I didn't go.
I guess I was feeling like it was my fault recently for not going to pride. Like I was holding myself back. But having written that just now it's like. Girl! Remember that you are literally depressed and have an anxiety disorder! Fucking DUH you're not able to do those things or struggle heavily to do them! You're mentally ill girl remember that!! It's not your fault or a personal failing!!!!!
Hmm. I hope I'm able to go this month. I haven't even tried so far because I've been sick so I don't want to spread it. Especially since I don't know for sure what it is. I want to get a covid test but I haven't been able to. I'll have to do that first.
Egh,, but having that extra barrier means that I'll rather stay home and do nothing than do that extra work,,. Oh well, I gotta go out soon anyway so I'll try to do that then.
So, I hope I'm able to do pride stuff!!! I'm really hoping I'll be able to do it!! Here's to hoping, and happy pride!